Eve’s Daughter

This is the second part of Captivating - the first entry was my starter, something to get me going. Here is the rest of it. Finally! It’s only about a month later - which means there are quite a few entries before it, which chronologically come after it.  

Since T (my husband) started reading ‘Wild at Heart’ and ‘Way of the Wild Heart’ by John Eldredge he has been blown away, and he keeps reading great excerpts from the book to me. Some of the stuff I understood immediately and went “yeah, right,” it just jelled, felt right, smelt right, rang true. But there were other bits he read that just jarred, especially the dreams/desires of a woman’s heart. I thought it was a great book, for T, but I wasn’t really interested in reading it (even though the author recommends women do to understand a man’s heart). However, T kept sharing with me from ‘Wild at Heart’ and apart from the “women stuff” it was sooo good. I could see it was true, and how it was going to be very helpful in raising our three boys to be great men of God and the best that they can be…but I still had my reservations about the truth of it when it came to the dreams of a woman’s heart.

By the time T started reading the second book ‘The Way of the Wild Heart’ there was a growing desire in my heart to read a book like that written for women. One day I voiced this desire out loud, “it’s a pity he hasn’t written a book about the woman’s heart”. And that’s when T introduced me to ‘Captivating’. I knew I had to get it and read it, although I was a tad concerned that it might be one of those women’s books that at best would do nothing, at worst, make me feel like a failure (like I need any help!) So late Friday night, after spending the evening at one of those dreaded women’s conferences – which I’ll talk about in another blog - I bit the bullet and ordered the book!

As I’ve already mentioned, when T first told me about the desires of a man’s heart and the corresponding desires of a woman’s heart, I scoffed and responded, “Yeah right! Well they’re not the desires of my heart, except for maybe the adventure bit.”

I was/am more at home with the desires of a man’s heart - “a battle to fight, an adventure to live and a beauty to rescue” - I write stories (perhaps someday they’ll be published) and the heroines in my stories have battles to fight (they’re very good with swords and martial arts), their lives are full of adventure and they “rescue” men (and women) and save the day! While a woman’s heart desires “to be fought for (romance), an adventure to share and a beauty to unveil”!! And that just makes me cringe - it sounds like women who do nothing but wait in their tall tower for their hero to rescue them and then life is happily ever after “pregnant, barefoot and in the kitchen” and totally predictable and boring!

Despite that fear of what the book might say, I am reading ‘Captivating’ and I’m “undone” one chapter in. I am struggling, floundering even, not because the book is bad or poxy or anything like that (which I was afraid of), but because it is true, so confrontingly true. Twice I have tried to talk to T about what it is saying in chapter 1, especially about the ‘beautiful’ stuff, and I have been unable to. Instead I would start sobbing so hard that I couldn’t talk any more. Even now as I write this my eyes are burning and filling with tears.

When it arrived I was so hanging to read it, desperately hoping it would be as good as I hoped it would be. I didn’t quite “rip open the wrapping” and devour the contents, although, it was pretty close! I love books and I love reading and I enjoy reading books that challenge me and help me grow. But it is rare that I read a book that “stabs me in the heart and twists”. I felt torn apart and I just kept crying. The only other book that has brought me to tears was Tommy Tenney’s ‘God Chasers’ – but that was different. ‘Captivating’ has left me feeling like my heart’s been ripped from my chest.

I finally understand what people mean when they say, “I feel undone” or “I’m ruined”, because I am “undone” and “ruined”. I am wrung out, listless, depressed crying lots and feeling sorry for myself! This was not what I’d expected. I’d expected to be challenged and uplifted, inspired.  I hadn’t expected it be so hard and I hadn’t expected to be torn apart! 

One chapter in and the crapola started to surface; crapola that I didn’t know was there or even realise I had a problem with! Needless to say, I didn’t get all that much done around the house that Friday, and that didn’t add to my state of well being either. And I realised then that even though I’m pretty crap at housework and stuff, I still get some of my self worth from actually getting stuff done! Hmmm. Another issue!!

Since then, I haven’t picked up the book again. I guess it scared me and now I know I need to treat the contents of ‘Captivating’ with care and respect and it just means I have to choose my time to read it, at the end of the day when the kids are in bed and I have done the essential stuff. And perhaps only read small bits at a time, “bite-sized chunks”. It actually took me a week before I was ready to pick the book up and start reading again. And since then I have finished reading and decided that I needed to get much deeper and have purchased the ‘Guided Journal’!

I have found ‘Captivating’ to be a fantastic book; it has been life changing for me. It’s put me in touch so much more with the heart of my God and with myself.

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