Eve’s Daughter

As I have said in earlier entries, some of the “so-called” desires of a woman’s heart do not sit well with me and “romance” or the desire “to be fought for” was one that certainly caught in my throat!

I’m not exactly what you’d call interested in “romance” and being “fought for”. It just sounds poxy - like the princess waiting in her tower for her hero because she’s too insipid, too weak, too silly, too helpless to do anything herself! Yuck!! I can’t stand women like that and I don’t want to be a woman like that! I haven’t seen ‘Shrek the Third’ yet, but I have heard about the scene where all the princesses are taken captive and when Fiona says “let’s fight” Cinderella gets her glass slipper and Sleeping Beauty swoons onto the bed, waiting for their heroes to come! Yuck, yuck, yuck and yuck!!!

Besides, T and I have never been what I would call “romantic”. When we were dating the kind of restaurants we went to were not the type you’d go to on a romantic date; once or twice he gave me flowers and cute gifts and I did the same for him, but it was not something that happened much. And it’s the same now - occassionally he’ll bring me a gift, which is always lovely, but it’s the sort of thing that happens maybe once or twice a year. And I’m the same with him, very occassionally I’ll get him a gift.

Our dates tended to be more jumping in the car and heading off somewhere, anywhere, just for the heck of it. The passenger (normally me) would hand out the munchies, often feeding the driver, always a tad tricky especially when going over bumps! It was not all that unusual to get dip up your nose if you were driving! We might drive for an hour, sometimes two and generally we’d head for the country and have a long conversations that covered pretty much “life, the universe and everything”.

So, when I think “romance” or “romantic”, what springs to mind? Not generally what we used to do.

• candlelit dinners in expensive restaurants
• gifts of flowers, chocolates, jewellery
• dancing
• walking on moonlit beaches
• being told “you’re beautiful”, “I’d die for you”, “I’ll always love you”, “Wherever you are I will find you”…
• classical music
• going on a date to the theater
• kisses and sweet nothings whispered in ears
• immaculately dressed gorgeous men and beautiful women

I actually like most of the things on this list, except for the “sweet nothings” and the last point. The being told “you’re beautiful; I’d die for you; I’ll always love you; wherever you go I will find you” make me extremely uncomfortable - I know that I have self worth issues and I still feel very uncomfortable when T tells me I’m beautiful, and I think things like “I’m not beautiful” (more stuff to deal with). We did occassionally do the dinners in expensive restaurants, although I don’t think they were ever candlelit. We’ve always felt out of place in them (more things to explore!) and we’ve always prefered pizzaria type restaurants - probably because we love pizza (our very first meal as a married couple was take-away pizza!) I did try and pull together a candlelit dinner once - it was roast chicken. Nice, except it was cold by the time I served. I haven’t tried it again! Perhaps the candlelit dinner thing would work better if I cooked something I’m good at like Thai or Indian or something, roasts just aren’t my forte; it might actually be fun, possibly even romantic! 
In ‘Captivating’ it says that if romance is lacking in your life then you’ll find ways to fill the void – romantic movies, novels, day dreams, chocolate… At first I thought ‘nah, that’s not me, I don’t do that stuff’, but it started me thinking… I don’t choose to watch romantic movies - I’m more of an action flick chick, if there’s some romance, that’s okay, but I won’t go and see a “chick flick” (however just recently I have watched ‘Serendipity’ and ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ and I cried both times - the next one will be ‘An Affair To Remember’!) As a teenager I read the cheap, tacky romance novels - but I wouldn’t touch one now if you paid me; okay, if you paid me I would, but I would never choose to. Day dreams, hmmm. Well,…I write stories - sometimes they never even get to the page, they’re just all in my head - but almost all of the heroines I’ve created are touched by romance in some way. 

Hmmm. It seems that I have discovered deep down, that I am romantic and truly, desperately desire to be romanced.

In ‘Captivating’ Stasi writes:

Like Sleeping Beauty, like Cinderella, like Maid Marian, or like Cora in The Last of the Mohicans, I wanted to be the heroine and have my hero come for me. Why am I embarrassed to tell you this? I simply loved feeling wanted and fought for. This desire is set deep in the heart of every little girl - and every woman. Yet most of us are ashamed of it. We downplay it. We pretend that it is less than it is. We are women of the twenty-first century after all - strong, independent, and capable…Think about the movies you once loved, and the movies you love now. Is there a movie for little girls that doesn’t have a handsome prince coming to rescue his beloved?… A little girl longs for romance, to be seen and desired, to be sought after and fought for…At some core place, maybe deep within, perhaps hidden or buried in her heart, every woman wants to be seen, wanted, and pursued. We want to be romanced. p9 & 10

We had our first Captivating Group last night and watched the movie ‘Serendipity’ and then talked about romance. One of the things I shared was how I’ve just come to realise that I do want to be romanced, that I do desire it. And at the same time T and I have also come to the conclusion (not yet officially diagnosed) that T has chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS). What this means for me in the area of romance, is that T is not going to be my romance provider - somedays he has trouble staying upright let alone being romantic. So if I want romance in my life, then it will be up to me to organise it, which kinda misses the point. I cried, althoug I managed to refrain from sobbing.

Despite this “dire” reality, I have hope. Stacey and John say in ‘Captivating’ that Jesus/God/Holy Spirit is our romancer; he can provide romance for me! I’m still at the “huh?” stage with this. I don’t understand how he can “romance” me, I mean, physically he is not here. I guess it’s just a totally different kind of romance to the type I know about, not that I know much. As I find out more, I’ll write about it.

T and I also talked about all of this and realised a few interesting things - especially the timing of it all. Anyway during this conversation I realised that I need to redefine what romance and being romantic is. A little while ago while I was talking to a friend and we were talking about the lack of romance in our marriages, she said that she thought the long, in depth conversations that T and I have is very romantic. That comment had been playing over and over in my head ever since, and I’d had the vague thought of  ‘yeah, I guess that could be romantic’.

So T and I talked about things that we do for each other, that could be seen as romantic  - long conversations, back tickles and scalp massages, hugs and cuddles, “i love you”… In fact he said to me, ‘when I stop you from walking past and give you a cuddle, that is me being romantic’. That was a bit of an eye-opener, I’d never considered that to be romantic, it’s just something that we did sometimes. That’s the sort of romance he can give me. If I want more then I will have to organise it, but… he might not be up to it.

T can only romance me a little. And even if he could romance me a lot, and he did, would it be enough? Or would I still be wanting more? As I’ve read ‘Captivating’  I’ve understood, that God has created me to desire more than even what my husband could provide even if he were able. God has created me to desire romance so much so that he can fill the void for me. T is not meant to be able to sate my desire for romance. To be truly romanced I need to turn to my God and allow him to be my hero; allow him to fight for me; allow him to romance me.

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