Eve’s Daughter

The other day a woman I know said, “I have an ‘addictive personality’. First it was smoking, which I gave up. Now, as you can see, I am addicted to food.” She then said how she was going to conquer this addiction, and I know that she’ll do it, she’s already ”kicked the smoking habit” and she’s that kind of very determined and persistant person, but . . .

. . . it got me thinking. My understanding of ‘addiction’ now is gleaned mostly from Eldredge books (currently he is my favourite author as his books really touch my heart and speak to me where I am at) and from what I understand, the sad fact is that until she can uncover the root cause of her addictions and then deal with it she will always be addicted to soemthing; she may conquer this one, but then she’ll find something else to get ‘addicted’ to and the cycle will continue and continue and continue until she treats the cause and not just the symptoms which present as addictions. And then, only then, will she finally be free.

John Eldredge mentions this stuff quite a bit throughout his various books (so far I have only read four - ‘Captivating’, ‘Waking the Dead’, ‘Epic’ & ‘A Sacred Romance’) and to me, what he says makes perfect sense, it strikes a chord and rings true for me. We indulge ourselves in our addictions because our hearts are crying out for something more. Indulgence, it doesn’t sound as bad as addiction, and yet it has the same affect; and when you it boil it down you get to the nitty gritty stuff (not all that pleasant either), and to me, well I can’t see much of a difference at all, they seem to be pretty much one and the same thing.

Another theme that runs through many of his books and is relevant in this post is the ’smaller story’ - how we run away from the larger story, the story God is telling and the story he is calling us to be a part of and hide ourselves in our ’smaller stories’ which are safer, less wild, less unpredictable, less disruptive, they are in fact, just less. Addictions and indulgences are just a form of ’smaller story’ and they help keep us trapped there. I know for me it’s not been something pleasant to admit, and although we deny it (and believe me we do), our indulgences and our addictions, well they bring us comfort, they are our safe spot, our anchor, they are familiar and comfortable - we know them, and although we may hate and despise them and us for indulging them, they are familiar and safe, not like God and the story he wants us to be living in which is wild, unpredictable, unfamiliar, reckless, passionate, and most definately NOT safe; the larger story is dangerous.

Personally, I believe that much of our Western ‘civilised, democratic’ culture is ’safe’ and because of that the Church in the West has got caught up into the ’smaller story’ and we are not the Church we are called to be, meant to be. The Church as a whole and us as individuals we have let ourselves get trapped in ’smaller stories’. The problem with these ’small stories’ is that they are safe anchors and they do what anchors are meant to do, they weighs us down and stop us from moving! They wrap our hearts in chains and weigh them down and we become stuck in one place, these anchors stop us from moving forward into the victorious, abundant life we are meant to be living. Our anchors chain us and trap us, locking us into that ’smaller story’ so that even though we know that there’s got to be more and we want to move forward, we desire to move on and change, we can’t; we are ‘Bound Up In The Little Indulgences’ the little addictions and until we can deal with their root cause and not just the multitude of symptoms in our lives, we will continue to be caught and weighed down by them.

My understanding (probably rather oversimplified, but sometimes simple is good) is that our addictions, indulgences and smaller stories all tend to stem from our core question, how it was answered as children, and how it is still being answered today as adults; we are all ‘Haunted By A Question’ (from ‘Captivating’). For us women, the question is along the lines of  ‘Am I beautiful inside and out? Do you see me? Does who I am captivate you? Am I lovely?’ And so we extend this to God and ask, ‘Does God really love me? Is his heart towards me truly good?’ I don’t know so much about the men (haven’t read the ‘Wild At Heart’ books yet) but my understanding of their question is, ‘Do I have what it takes? Am I enough?’

We need to be able to answer this question and mean it and the only one who can truly answer it for us, the only one who has the true answer is God. Others have answered it over the years and their answers, in most cases have been sadly lacking, if not just outright condemning - they are, afterall only human, and so am I. I might write all this stuff and sound as though I have got it all together. . . not at all, just ask my husband and kids!!! I have judged and condemned others and probably broken their hearts too, and I have let others judge and condemn me and let their words break my heart again and again and again.

God answers our question every day. I know that every day he answers mine, often several times a day, (when I think to, remember to ask it) and you’d think by now I wouldn’t need to ask it, but ask it I must, especially after those times when I’ve just lost it with the kids or something and feel just awful, like I’m a complete and utter failure. God even answered me with a poem, ‘My Daughter’  which tells me just how he feels about me, and still I struggle daily with this question with my self worth, because even though I know what I know, in my heart I still can’t quite believe that it is true - nothing that good is ever true of me or for me. It doesn’t matter how much you read the words or say the words, if we don’t actually believe it in our hearts, it won’t be true for us and we will remain trapped by and in our addictions, indulgences and smaller stories. God, help it become real for me.

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