Eve’s Daughter

This post came about as a result of writing about the poem “God Believes In Me”.

I read this poem at church one Sunday morning in August 2005, and it was good. I knew it was good before I read it. Reading it to the congregation I ‘knew’ it was good. And reading it again two years later, it is still good.

A teenager (a girl) came up to me afterwards telling me that the poem had made her cry (which was pretty unusual) and she really loved it, and could I give her a copy? Several other people came and told me they’d been touched by it and it was a good poem.

As I said, I ‘knew’ it was a good poem, but it is always nice having others say it too. And having other people tell me something I’ve done is good, is really difficult.

Accepting praise, handling praise well is something I struggle with. I find it really hard to accept praise from people, even from my very own wonderful husband. Don’t get me wrong, I like receiving praise. No, let me rephrase that, I love receiving praise. I LOOOVE it!

It’s nice, I mean ‘nice’ as in a rich, smooth, hot chocolatey kind of nice; when people praise me and affirm me I feel validated, I go all warm and fuzzy, I melt on the inside. I am the type of person who craves praise. I NEED words of affirmation, words of praise it is my primary ‘love language’ (from the book ‘The Five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman, which I have found very helpful over the years). And so, when I get praise from others for stuff I have created or written or things I have done, I feel loved. Needless to say, condemming words, harsh words, critical words, angry words cut me to the bone and I am easily destroyed, I feel worthless and unloved - even ‘off the cuff’ comments and throw away lines can do me in.

But as much as I love receiving words of praise and affirmation, it is a struggle as I get incredibly embarrassed when it happens, I kind of go shy and quiet. I might try and belittle it or laugh it off. I don’t know how to handle it or respond to it. I don’t want to be the person who responds, “Well of course it’s good” and be all big-headed, arrogant and prideful about it - to be honest, I don’t think I could pull that one off. But I don’t want to go to the opposite extreme and be totally self-effacing either, you know the “Aw, it was nothing really” and belittle the whole thing.

And I don’t want to be the religious and pious, “Well, God has given me the talent, so all praise and honour and glory goes to him; it’s not me, it’s God working through me…” I know that God has given me this talent, this gift and I am growing more and more aware of it as each day passes and I spend more and more time writing. And I thank and praise God regularly for this gift, for the words and ideas he gives me. I guess the thing is, it’s not just God working through me - the He speaks and I write type dictatorship relationship. God doesn’t give me what I write word for word, verbatim, rather he gives me a picture, a sense, a feeling, an emotion, ideas, even words, but it is up to me to write them down and build the work. It is much more like a partnership.

But how do I say it? How do I communicate that in way that doesn’t sound all religious and pious? And like I said, I do give glory to God - I mean, he created me; and this ‘wordsmithing’, this shaping of words is a gift, a talent, an ability He has given me. But I also know that sometimes I give him the glory because I want to avoid the praise. Giving God the glory is an easy way to shrug off praise, that way I don’t really have to accept it. And sometimes I give God the glory because I know that’s the ‘right’ thing to do, it’s what I ’should’ do.

I guess as God continues to lead me on this amazing journey, this incredible adventure, these kind of issues will continue rise up so they can be dealt with in a way that brings freedom and life. I’ve had a whole heap of issues start surfacing since I began reading and studying the book ‘Captivating’ by John & Stasi Eldredge. Awesome book; really awesome book - I have found it to be so releasing, so helpful, so blessing.

I know there will come a time in the future (hopefully not too distant) when I’ll be able to read this and go, “Well God sure helped me get over that one” because I will be free from this chain and all the baggage that came with it.

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